Friday joke time!!

Wizzerboy

Wizzerboy

Well-known member
I got through on Greatest hits radio on their mystery phone in competition.

OK, you're our first caller going for our star prize, are you confident?
It all depends what the question is, I replied.
It's a geography question, how do you feel about that?
Well, I said, I've a degree in geography from Oxford University and I've taught geography to A level students for over 20 years.
That's great, said the presenter.
So, for two tickets at Deepdale to watch PNE in a game of your choice and to meet the players after, what is the Capital of France?

Immediately I replied, Bradford.
 
A new general was allotted to a new army base. After some time in the base he realised how there were two army men guarding an empty bench all the time. He asked his colleagues and his juniors what it was all about. A colleague said “I don’t know but it’s been happening since I joined 35 years ago.” The general, confused as he was, went through the past generals of that base till he found the one that was in charge 35 years ago. He attempted to find him, and found that he had retired and he lived in the countryside now. He contacted him and requested to meet. On the day of the meeting the general asked the retired commander why that bench was guarded so much. The commander was shocked and replied ..........“So you’re telling me the paint on that bench hasn’t dried yet ?!”
 
A Greek and an Englishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double Latte, the Greek mentions: “We built the Parthenon you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."

"Aye, and it was the English that discovered the Summer and Winter solstices."

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to mathematics."

"Granted, but it was the English who built the first timepieces."

Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"

"Aye! True enough, but it was the English who got women involved."
 
Three old blokes, regular posters on AVFTT (no names no pack drill), are sitting on a bench in Stanley Park, talking about life and about the struggles of ageing.

First one says, l'm having a heck of a time taking a crap. I strain and I groan and it bloody well hurts, nothing seems to help.

Second bloke says, my problem is peeing. I gotta stand there for a few minutes to get it started. It dribbles, it sprays and takes forever, then ten minutes later I have to bloody go again.

Third bloke says, well I'm totally regular and every morning's the same. I empty my bladder at 7am, like clockwork. Then around 8am, I take a big dump.

No problems for me lads, I always wake up at about 9am! 🤔
 
Wizzerboy said:
I got through on Greatest hits radio on their mystery phone in competition.

OK, you're our first caller going for our star prize, are you confident?
It all depends what the question is, I replied.
It's a geography question, how do you feel about that?
Well, I said, I've a degree in geography from Oxford University and I've taught geography to A level students for over 20 years.
That's great, said the presenter.
So, for two tickets at Deepdale to watch PNE in a game of your choice and to meet the players after, what is the Capital of France?

Immediately I replied, Bradford.
Click to expand...
It’s been a while since my wife spat something out
But she spat her coffee all over when I told her that 🤣🤣🤣
 
Wizzerboy said:
I got through on Greatest hits radio on their mystery phone in competition.

OK, you're our first caller going for our star prize, are you confident?
It all depends what the question is, I replied.
It's a geography question, how do you feel about that?
Well, I said, I've a degree in geography from Oxford University and I've taught geography to A level students for over 20 years.
That's great, said the presenter.
So, for two tickets at Deepdale to watch PNE in a game of your choice and to meet the players after, what is the Capital of France?

Immediately I replied, Bradford.
Click to expand...
I always thought it was "F"
 
I've been caught out. I saw a woman the other day who had seen me when I did a spot at a hen night, bending a metal bar over my todger. She asked if I could still do it, but I had to say no.

I have rhumatism in my hands now.
 
A 6-year-old little girl goes into a pet shop and asks in a childish voice...

Good mowning Sir, do you have any wittle wabbits?

Why of course my little princess, what colour would you like the rabbit, black or white?

Actuwally, my python doesn't give a fuck what colour his dinner is!
😱
 
My wife turned to me and said, whilst I was talking to you then you must have yawned half a dozen times, am I boring you?
I replied those weren't yawns, they were 6 unsuccessful attempts to speak!!
 
Bumped into my old Italian mate Franco, he'd just got a new tattoo of Italy covered across his chest,
I asked did it sting? He said not much, but he's got sore Naples.
 
An elderly woman, well into her eighties, slowly entered the front door of a 'Sex Shop'.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbled the few feet across to the counter.
Finally grabbing the counter for support, and s-tut-ter- ing, she asked the sales clerk,
"Dooo youuuu have dilllldooos?"
The clerk, (trying hard not to laugh), politely replied,
"Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models. . ."
The old woman then asked:
"Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd
aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk ... aaand rrunns on bbaatteries ?"
Trying not to laugh, and with a little smile creeping around his mouth, the clerk responded,
"Yes, Yes we do."
She stammered,
"Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?"
 
Bloke walks into a bar at 9.58pm and sits next to a blond.
The news came on the TV at 10pm and the first story was about a bloke threatening to throw himself off the local bus station.
Bloke says to the blond I bet you £30 he jumps, she says, I bet he doesn't.
As she's putting her money on the table the man jumps.
I can't take your money the bloke says, I watched the news at 6pm and saw him jump then.
The blond says I watched at 6pm too but didn't think he'd do it again!!
 
Tower Power said:
My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"
I said "Yes, I'm ready."
He said "I'm sleeping with your wife."
Click to expand...
Reminds me of a Bernard Manning classic...
Bloke goes to the dentist and asks how much for a full set of Implants.
Dentist says well we do a Gold package, there's no pain, no blood, we have an anaesthetist and doctor on hand...£50,000.
Bit expensive says the bloke, have you got anything cheaper??
Well, we can do it for £20,000 but there's a bit of blood, a bit of pain, it's just me and the nurse.
Mmm, still a bit expensive, what's the cheapest you can do?
Well, he says, my apprentice can do it, there'll be a LOT of pain, a LOT of blood but we can do it tomorrow for just £500.

That's the one, he says, book the wife in for 10am tomorrow
🤣
 
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